I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
