I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
