did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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