i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Randomize
