Im at strip club and am horny
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
