Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize