i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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