i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The power of my boobs compel you
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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