sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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