i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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