So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
