last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's blow job season.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
