Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i can't believe i had my finger in that
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't put those talents on a resume
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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