Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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