the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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