I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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