Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
