so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
