I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
