upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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