As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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