Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
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Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
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I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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