just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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