Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
