I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
