grandma shit on top of the toilet
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We are two peas in an std pod
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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