Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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