perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
