through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
