i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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