I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
