kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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