if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
