saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
