so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
