dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
