I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
