I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
