How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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