we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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