Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
