I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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