I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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