i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
