your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
