So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Randomize
