He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
