So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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