I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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