so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
