Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
