Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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