Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize