Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
