Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
