I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
