Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
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Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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