What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
