I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
