I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
