dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
