I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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