Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
